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GRIEF HEALING...

The Mourner's Bill of Rights

You have the right to experience your own unique grief. 
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way as you do. Don't allow others to tell you what you should or should not be feeling.

You have the right to talk about your grief.
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief.

You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt, and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Know that there is no such thing as a "wrong" emotion. Accept all your feelings and find listeners who will do the same.

You have a right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Don't allow others to push you to what you don't feel ready for.

You have the right to experience grief "attacks." 
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may over come you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

You have the right to make use of ritual.
The funeral ritual provides you with the support of caring people. More important, it supportively sees you off on your painful but necessary grief journey. Later rituals, such as lighting a candle for the person who died, can also be healing. If others tell you rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.

You have the right to embrace your spirituality.
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

You have the right to search for meaning.
You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like "It was God's will" or "Think what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

You have a right to treasure your memories.
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring memories, think of creative ways to embrace them.

You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and tolerant with you. It is not instantaneous relief. It evolves. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever. 

 My name is Shelley and I am a widow, since May 1994. 
I studied grief and began grief-counseling for not only myself, but my three children, who were only 5, 9 and 13. Now I volunteer as a grief facilitator for those newly grieving. In my grief, I have dealt with some tough issues. I lost family members within short periods of time after my own husband's death.
I was alienated by  family members, and asked by others to financially help them & never paid back. I learned a lot of things the hard way. What follows are practical tips and therapeutic advice taken from years of research and counseling. You are prayed for by many and loved by God. He has not forsaken you, and you are not alone in your grief. He reaches for you now in the midst of your pain. Sometimes the best healing God can perform is to take our loved ones home... You can not overcome grief without finding God in it! Don't deny your feelings, but work through them!

Grief is a very complex issue that takes time to work through. The most common mistake people make is trying to go around their grief, not working through it. Grief is tough! It is work; Work takes sweat & endurance... to be 
a "professional" at any type of work, you have to study, analyze, & conclude... 
the same is true of grief closure.  You can work through this with time, patience & tear-shed.

Validating your need for help during this time only confirms how strong you are, not weak. A weaker individual will try to do this all on their own. They usually end up denying their grief. Don't turn away help!  You are struggling  enough by just breathing and lifting your head! Pamper, take care of yourself, and acknowledge your pain.

Eat healthy & exercise to release those endorphins! Do what calms you, nourishes your body and your soul, and meditate. Allow the tears to fall freely, without fear. Holding them in, holds in toxins. Release!

Talk about your loss to a safe person. If you feel alone, make a call. It does no good to say "nobody calls me" when you can dial the phone, also. Recognize now, that people tend to pull back during your initial grieving because of the awkwardness they feel. They fear hurting you by saying or doing something that will upset you, while you are already aching. Therefore, they pull back. Teach them you want their friendship by making the call if it doesn't come.

Take the initiative to set up lunch dates, dinner dates, etc. with friends you can trust. They do want to see you, even if they fear the tears they know they themselves, can  not stop. Tell them it is okay, and to please, allow you that freedom. Try to be open to suggestions of help, and try to understand they have not been in your shoes. Even if they have, their situation was different than yours. Now is the time to be as selfish as needed to heal with healthy grieving!

DO NOT forget your children's grief. The way they learn to handle grief will affect them for the rest of their lives! There is no certain right or wrong answer for your family. Like every family consists of different individuals, so does grief and reactions to it. Seek counseling so each may deal with their individual feelings, being careful not to transfer your own feelings into their. Children feel very vulnerable right now, just as you do. It is good to confirm those uneasy feelings by talking openly. Even though you 're admitting your fear, it will substantiate their own feelings, so it will bring security to their shaken world.

Let the tears fall.  Take time for yourself!  

Phases of grief   Shock/Denial            Depression            Anger            Bargaining        Resolution

These phases are not in any given order & also can return at different times even though you have already experienced them. Do not think because you are happy on one day, that you are suddenly healed, ready for a new life or lover! Phases are changes, which they do frequently. 
Many factors cause your mood shifts, including dates, scents, sights, sounds.   Do not be too hard on yourself if you are UP one day, then DOWN the next day.  These feelings are normal and can be addressed by a professional counselor who specializes in grief. If a counselor does not seem to work well with you, then find another. Not all counselors are suitable for your grief. Before you set an appointment, check to see  if they specialize in grief therapy. This is extremely helpful for helping you to resolve any underlying issues relating to the grief!  Phases:

Shock/Denial The initial phase of grief is shock. Our bodies react physiologically to the event of death. You walk around in a fog, in a surreal state. You feel unable to make sense of the events happening around you. Remember that this is normal and even necessary for a time. It is our body's way of protecting us against the intensity of our loss. This is normal and can be dealt with, by allowing yourself time to accept the reality of what has transpired. It is most important during this stage to accept help; do not drive, since you are not conscience of your complete surroundings, but have someone drive you places; eat healthy foods because you will forget to do so due to loss of appetite. If however, you find yourself in a state of denial for a long period of time (say 6 months or more) consult a psychological professional to help you move forward in your grieving process. Back to Phases

Depression These are feelings of hopelessness and despair. You feel as though life is not worth living and feel like giving up. You feel everything you have depended on has been lost. You feel listless, tired, and prefer to sleep alot. Many individuals turn to drugs, anti-depressants, and/or liquor during this time. While sleep aids, anti-depressants, and a drink now and then are not problematic, but if they hinder your journey to healing; or if they become a crutch to get through each moment; or the frequency and reliance increases, these are not suitable for your mental health. Depression can lead to many addictive behaviors. Many a widow has found comfort by frequent indulgences, and yet find themselves just as depressed. Be careful to monitor your behavior and seek help as needed.  Back to Phases

Anger Once it occurs to you that this has really happened, you may go through moments of short temper and angry outbursts. It is important not to hide your anger from yourself and others. It may be frightening to allow this emotion to surface. You may feel incapable of handling this reaction and not know what to do without hurting someone. You may ask, "Why did you leave me like this?" or "Why?" "How come....?" among many other questions. It is okay to ask questions and to express your anger. Find a safe outlet for this reaction and you will resolve this feeling. Usually after anger, comes the bargaining response. Back to Phases

Bargaining You want to make arrangements with GOD to heal this, NOW!  You want Him to turn back time, or end your life so you can be with your loved one. This is wakeful period... fully aware of your reality... when you know and accept what has really happened to you. It can be a feeling of futility. The acceptance of this reality seems more than you can handle. This is when most people seek spiritual resolution.  It is a good time to consult your spiritual leader. Do not try to "make things right".  Be VERY careful of new relationships.
New relationships are common mistakes during this time, since you are emotionally vulnerable. Healing takes time, and time takes patience!   Back to Phases

Resolution You accept your reality & loss and are better able to cope with daily routines. You are less angry, and less likely to hide your feelings. Your  interests and hobby interests return, though lacking in intensity & devotion. You are not as physically tired. You are ready to make future plans for yourself. Time has helped bring about a minor league sense of peace. Though the tears still come, they are more sporadic than consistent, and usually are triggered. 

All of these feelings are phases of grief that ALL people go through. Those that deny these to occur, usually have side-stepped a phase of grief. Normal does not exist for the griever.  

To begin life anew takes time, patience and fore-bearance.  It is good to recognize these phases so that you may understand you are normal during a time, when nothing feels that way!

Validation of Feelings
There seems to be a common thread that we widows speak with each other. Here are some comments made by others in our situation. You may be glad to hear you aren't the only one who ever wanted to say:

Sometimes I just want to be alone.

I resent seeing happy couples. Why do they get to spend their lives together and we don’t?

It bothers me when people tell me how strong or brave I am. 
    I’m just trying to make it through each day, not prove anything!

I hate when people tell me I’m young and pretty and I’ll find someone else.

I feel uncomfortable going out with other couples. There’s always an odd number and I must return home alone.

I don't want people to assume I'm divorced - we had a wonderful marriage!

It’s been over a year, and people expect that I should just be over it already, but I’m not.

I wonder sometimes if I will ever feel like me again.

I just want my old life back.

Why do people tell me that if I get remarried I'll will be happy again? That won't erase the pain.

I have been told to "stop dwelling" on his death and move on!

People have said to me that there is no way they could handle what I am handling.
    I say to them......yes you could, you have no other choice!

The thing I hate the most is the way people look at me when they see me on the street. 
    They get this look of pity & don't know what to say. Their look of gloom for me just bums me out.

The question is... Why not just say something? 
You have the right to speak your mind & feelings... you are healing!
At the same time, you are teaching others about grief 
& possibly teaching them "reality etiquette" for speaking to grievers! 

Peace I leave you as you search for the new path God has prepared for you!
Your life has changed but God has not. He is silently wiping the tears away, he has given to you to help you cleanse your soul's hurt!  Seek him and you will find peace!

Some links for you:

Support groups             Phases            Books   

 Home to Shelley